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The employee posted this frightening photograph
on Instagram before fleeing the scene. |
Reports are filtering in from the far end of the bar that
significant links between upper management and the occult have been uncovered at
Aramark’s McKinley Chalet Resort. If true, these shocking revelations will
confirm what many have suspected for some time now: that Aramark is in league
with Lucifer and seeks to wage an unholy war on the humble inhabitants of
Glitter Gulch.
A McKinley Chalet employee, whose name has not been released for reasons of security, says he entered the human resources office last Tuesday evening
after locking himself out of his room for something like the hundredth time
that week. Inside, he claims to have stumbled upon a
half-dozen department heads draped in black robes, chanting ominously in Latin
while carving the sigil of Baphomet into the forehead of a small child with a
ceremonial dagger.
As news of the incident spread, frightened residents took to
the taverns where scenes of widespread drinking were reported throughout the
night. Shopkeepers say that demand for cloves of garlic and bottled holy
water is at an all-time high, which leading economists suggest is the
result of local residents failing to distinguish between satanists and vampires.
UPDATE: After sleeping it off for a few hours, our source now has absolutely no
recollection whatsoever of the details of this incident and denies ever sharing
them with us. Although much of this incident remains shrouded in mystery, there is one
thing of which we are certain: No one can ever accuse Denali Action News of
being unable to come up with an attention-grabbing headline.
